I accidentally had phone sex last night
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize