You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
she peed on how many people?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
