Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
