I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
