It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize