I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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