I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
