I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize