There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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