if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
