Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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