Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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