I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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