He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
