My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize