I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
