eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Mom said you looked used
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
