you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
