I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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