News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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