I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
