If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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