You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
