i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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