Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
