Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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