haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
