God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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