Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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