i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
