it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
pop tarts are not kleenex
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
When did angry sex become our thing?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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