haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
BRING THE BAGELS
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
