P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
