bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
