I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
