Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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