I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
