Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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