I CAN MOONWALK!
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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