I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
