She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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