im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
