I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
