mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
