I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
