my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
