I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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