This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
