I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
