I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
