how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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