haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
