it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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