The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize