I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
