All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Randomize
