look no pants
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
