I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
