I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
